Tuesday, January 20, 2015

blaow blaow blaow

I had an peri-anal abcess burst today and the smell of blood and pus reminded me exactly of the leaking abcess that my dog had growing in his ear before we put him down.

Last week I ate mcdonalds, burger king, chinese food (white rice isn't good for someone with strictured intestines), I drank a bunch of lemon snapples, which always fuck me up.  Also had at least one slice of pizza and some soda.  These are all things that fuck me up.

My diet needs some sort of routine and I definitely need to start juicing more if I want to ever be a decently healthy person.

I had an imaginary flash-forward of getting diagnosed with worse diseases if I don't start taking care of myself better.  Now is just as good a time as any other time to try and smarten up I suppose!

It seems like that is a substantial amount of evidence.  I'm not sure why "may arise" is used.

This was taken from cancer.gov.  I'm not going to get all crazy conspiracy theorist and say the government doesn't want to cure cancer.  But I do think anything outside of Western Medicine isn't really acknowledged in this country.

The first sentence of this is weird too

Friday, October 24, 2014

Perianal Abscess Pt.2

VULGAR STUFF:

For the past 3 days I've been chewing up garlic and rubbing it on/around my asshole.  This is what happens when you are afraid of doctors and use google and natural remedy websites to try and fix your issues.  That being said, I think the garlic is helping this ball of puss go away.

If you don't know what an abscess is, it's essential a boil (in my case, a large one).  It fills up with puss because of an infection.  Your body sends white blood cells to the site of infection and they don't know what the fuck they're doing and the next thing you know you have a red lump the size and hardness of a golf ball in between your butt cheeks.

It basically feels like a smurf is living in my underpants and has decided to grab a large chunk of flesh, twist it up, and hang from it all day long.  It hurts when I cough, sneeze, go to sit down, stand up, or tighten my kegel muscle to stop peeing.  It has been hard to have a regular bowel movement since last February, but it is especially hard now.  I've felt this abscess before in the past few months but it usually subsided in a day or two, this time it is much more intense.



This has happened to me once before, before I was even diagnosed with Crohn's I had a perianal abscess.  It was my first experience in the world of horrible butt stuff.  I wrote about it a very long time ago, but it is available on this blog right here.

These things usually get larger and larger as time passes.  The only things doctors can do to really make them go away is to lance them.  Lance is a medical term for shank.  They bend you over a table and stab it and drain the puss, and then you remember what hell would be like if it exists.  I made the mistake of searching perianal abscess on youtube, I didn't watch all of the video but I sent it to a friend.  He replied with 3 messages:

"No."
"No"
"No"

If you'd like to see what all the hype is about, click right here.

This is what I'm looking at in a couple of weeks if I don't figure out how to fix this by myself.  I'm not too afraid of getting the procedure done.  Pain is only temporary, afterall.  I'm just trying to avoid it because getting an abscess drained is going to put me out of commission for at least 10 days.  Don't really have time for that right now in the midst of student teaching.  That being said, I'm sure I can get a doctor's and go on an excused 10 day bloody-ass vacation, but I would much rather take care of this myself.

So here I am, writhing in pain as garlic burns my gooch and a hard red ball of sensitive skin between my cheek.

This pain isn't as bad as the abscess can be on its own at times.  In the past 3 days I've probably punched an inanimate object and yelled about 14 times just from the pain being so intense.  It usually is only that bad for a second, when it throbs.  I'm not sure if it throbs because it's filling up more or getting smaller, but I'd like to think the latter.

A friend let me have some of his antibiotics a doctor gave to him for a tooth abscess.  They're used to treat any kind of abscess so I'm giving it a shot.  I've been taking them for only a day so I'm hoping in 4 days that it will start to clear up a little more, especially in conjunction with the natural antibiotics I've been taking.

On top of garlic (which is antifungal and fights infection), I've been using oregano oil and clove oil.  All of these things, burn like a MOTHERFUCKER when applied to your skin topically.  The garlic you have to chew a little first then just shove between your cheeks.  There is some between right now!

I've also been making strong  juices, which have always helped my bowel movements.  My one "penance juice" is a lot of garlic, ginger, beet, apple cider vinegar, and a pear.  I call it a penance juice because I'll usually make it after I eat terrible for 3 days to try and clean my slate a little bit.

I did this to myself for sure.  I started eating pizzas and drinking soda and whiskey in the past few months.  Not like before that I was doing great, but it was certainly better than this.  At least I could walk around and not be afraid to sneeze because it would hurt so much.

I'm not sure if the "diy" approach is the best way to deal with your health but it seems to be the route I always choose to take.  I think I lost my faith in most doctors in 2010, and every visit with them since has reassured me that they have no idea what they're doing when it comes to this disease.

If your Western Medicine's best solution to a disease is "let's turn your immune system off", then I don't want much to do with it.

My immune system is still obviously fucked because I have an infection in my butthole.  It's probably all the self-medicating I do with other immune system suppressants (hehe).  Also, my diet has been terrible the past 3 months.  My restaurant of choice has been "7-Eleven".  I eat on the go in my car, it's a mess.  This is mostly out of laziness.  Yeah I've been busy, but it only take 20 minutes to prepare a meal, which is worth the health in the long run.

You start to realize something is wrong with your diet when 80% of the food you eat is already wrapped up and has been sitting on a shelf somewhere for days.  But realizing something is wrong is usually not the hard part for me.  The hard part is usually taking action and making a change about it.

Our society breeds people who want instant gratification.  We live in the fast lane, but we're running on preservatives and growth hormones.  I really hope that I don't have to get this thing lanced and can manage it for the rest of my life.

I basically wrote this to help escape my body a little bit.  Typing fast is a good distraction from the burning cloves of garlic that are clenched between my cheeks.  I wouldn't keep doing this is I thought it didn't work.

My biggest fear is that this thing is going to burst when I go sit down to play drums.  So far it's only been mild discomfort.  I'm tracking for 6 hours tomorrow so hopefully I'll be able to make it through without it effecting my playing.

On the bright side, my bedroom smells like garlic now!  Ladies if your pussy hole wasn't already wet enough from reading this, it's sure to be sopping when you smell my room.

Monday, September 22, 2014

Fun Facts!

Did you know that some nights I sleep on the couch with the TV on because I'm afraid of waking up in my bed with an obstructed bowel.  For some reason I feel safer on a couch.

Did you know that I've been lying to my family for 2 years when I was telling them I've been healthy?

Did you know that I shit my pants twice last year?  Both on campus.

Did you know I've been mostly shitting brown water 3 times a day since February of this year?  A solid bowel movement is a rare thing.

Did you know I spent the summer eating pizza, mcdonalds, and drinking soda and now I feel sick again?

My argument to eating whatever I wanted was "YOLO".  But on second thought if you only live once, then you shouldn't spend your entire life shitting your brains out.

Monday, April 14, 2014

B12 Deficiency via Empty Ball Sack

if you're easily offended/repulsed stop reading because this shit is going to get mildly weird and sexual.


    I wish I had the science to back up any of this idea or else there's not much weight to it.  But as a well-experienced hypochondriac I can say that not enough research has been done on this idea because I have done many-a-google searches at random hours of the night to try and crack the code of what is fucking wrong with my body.  Here's a little expose to get you acclimated to my story:

1.  Kid stays inside for a good amount of his childhood.
            Don't get me wrong I did go outside too, but usually just to eat buffalo chicken pizza.  Especially from 13-17, a lot of my time was spent sitting in the basement writing music/jerking off.  Not exposed to sunlight (Vitamin D deficiency, linked to immune system, which is linked to pretty much all disease).

2.  The B-12 Link
 (Idiot disclaimer:  Any medial statement that begins with 'dude' and ends with 'shit' should be taken with a grain of salt)
      This more clicked in my head the one day when I was at a house party.  My friend Brian was talking to me about banging some chick:
   "Yeah dude, I took a bunch of vitamin b-12 to make my dick hard.  Shit worked.    
                UC and Crohn's are both linked to a B-12 deficiency, and I've been getting weak boners for a while.  Sometimes it was just from beating my dick 3 times a day but more recently it's just been all the time.  This is sort of disappointing because I thought staying mostly alcohol-free would keep my dick in tip-top performance shape.  But it is definitely over-exerted.  Vitamin B-12 has a direct relation with you small intestine, and a lack of B-12 can result in constipation (which is something I've been suffering recently).  Zinc also has a link to testosterone and digestion.  Oysters make you horny.
     There were a couple of times where I took some 5 hour sex energy (somewhere around 500% b12 in liquid form) and I weirdly noticed I was having better bowel movements.  You can easily say I'm making stuff up, or just chalk this up as a weird coincidence; but you come to realize a lot of the intricacies of your body when your neglect brings you to a point of almost irreversible health.  Doctors said I was 24 hours away from being super infected with sepsis, and if I made it out of that alive chances are I would be on dialysis for the rest of my life.  The infection was coming from a perforated bowel causing my body filling up with my own shit.
     
That's right, I was becoming full of shit.  Do you still believe what I'm telling you?

   So as a former chronic masturbator (who am I kidding), and a current day pervert, I wonder if me busting a nut too much is causing some of my tummy problems?  I know B12 and Iron are stressed a lot for IBD.  I did go to get an iron infusion once and the nurses had to stop halfway through because I was breaking it in hives and my throat was getting itchy.  Also I remember my face turning red, getting a headache, and becoming really nauseous.
    These days I just resort to juicing beets for my iron intake, but I've been slacking as of late.  It's hard to stick to a plan on the days where you still feel like shit.  I posted a tasty recipe for a green juice in a blog I wrote 3 years ago.  Here's a more current idea of something I drink on the days where I feel like death.

I'm naming it Maximum Piss and Vinegar, after one of my favorite songs.

1 beet, peeled
4 stalks of celery or 1 cucumber
5-7 Cloves of Garlic (the worst)
MUCHO ginger
3Tbsp apple Cider Vinegar

---

So the strange thing is, I legitmately feel BETTER after I drink that shitty drink.  My breath will literally stink up an entire van with garlic, but I will legitimately feel better.  Usually I have a very hard time passing gas (small squeaks, never relieves much of the bloating I deal with).  Whenever I have this drink I am able to unleash stink bombs with much more ease which is always relieving.

I have this weird mucuous issue where I'm constantly coughing it up.  It could be chalked up to a lot of things.  I'll get into that in a different post just so this isn't super complicated.  But I still am curious if draining the goose too often overall has a negative impact on my physical and mental health.

*Of course I'm not saying this is how everyone's body chemistry works.  Shit, I'm not even saying this is definitely how MY body chemistry works.  These are just ideas I've sat on for a while and wanted to get out somewhere.  I will still say that science in a lot of ways can be bullshit in the sense of definition.  Everything may be comprised of atoms, what if there is some unrecognizable matter that we can't comprehend?  Don't get me wrong, science has done great things.  But sometimes you need to take a step back to keep moving forward.  Whenever the industry stops treating symptoms and addressing the causes of disease I will feel much better. Big picture,v big picture.

 So my real question is, is there any kind of link between sexual health and vitamin B-12?  Am I just batshit crazy and is it really just paranoia that's making my stomach eat itself inside out?  IS the paranoia caused by a B-12 deficiency?  The questions don't stop.  There's not a lot of negative research on cumming too much besides that it will leave you in a cloudy-minded daze for most of the day.  Can this lack of focus be due to low testosterone levels?  Is that why people who aren't productive called "jerk-offs"?  (entry 1, #3).

Or maybe it's just staying up til 4AM writing conspiracy theories about my own health that's making me feel like shit.

(WATCH FORKS OVER KNIVES PLEASE)

Monday, March 3, 2014

FREE PIZZA

One cool thing about having Crohn's disease in college is that the "free pizza" incentive used to get students to volunteer at dumb events never works on me!  Supervise a fundraiser, and spew battery-acid out of my asshole for three days?  No thank you.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

My shit this week has mostly looked like this


     Bloody angel hair pasta.  The blood in this picture is an over exaggeration, but I could always go for some tasty-imagery.   If I ate this whole plate right now I would probably shit a pint of brown water three times a day for two weeks.
    I had a three week fling with pizza and alcohol in 2014.  It was mostly a bad idea and I'm realizing that now.  It's easy to tune out the common sense thing when you get a nice looking pizza staring you in the face.  Anyway, I think I have diverticulitis...more importantly I think I have a pressing case of hypochondria.  It's so easy to google your symptoms and think you've got everything figured it out.  I've resolved to the fact that I know what's wrong but I just don't choose to fix it, cause it's so gosh damn hard to!
    I'm a pretty shitty adult, so if I don't remember to go grocery shopping I'll most likely eat twix bars and cookies for breakfast out of a vending machine at school.  I do eat healthy too sometimes, but few and far in between.  And even the days that I do juice or eat well I'm always sure to get a nice snackeroo in there too.
    At this point it would be too optimistic to write here: "I'm gonna turn this all around!"  I've had the same shitty habits for most of my life and while I can turn them around for certain points of my life I'll still fall back into them whenever I'm stressed.  #emotional_eating.
    Snacks don't last more than 3 days in my cabinet.  I'm a Certified Junk Food Junkie.  It doesn't help that the medicine I take is a brownie haha.  My doctor didn't prescribe it but my girl Betty Crocker hooked me up.  Really on the weeks that I was eating right I felt much better than I do right now.  I haven't really been trying too hard as I've been on the go most of the time.  It's a pretty bad excuse since health should come first, but I mean my symptoms are mostly still manageable.  Going to the bathroom a few times a day and feeling like you can't shit isn't as severe as where I was this time 5 years ago.
    On the upside, I just ordered some of this stuff:

     I've developed some pretty weirds habits in the past two years.  One of them has been keeping ginger tea in my back pocket and carrying around with a refillable mug.  Crazy enough it was actually helping me out a lot, especially on the days I would have 4 or 5 mugs (recommended limit is 3 times but I was born to break rulez).  THIS STUFF ^ is some crazy tea I found on tour last winter.  I've never seen it in NJ, but it was only like three bucks.  I have no idea where I found it originally but I just ordered a few boxes online.  Lemon ginger and probiotics did my body good.   That tour was a trip that I considered not doing a week before because I hadn't been feeling too great.  This brand of tea, and bringer my trusty juicer on tour really helped me out.  
     So at this rate I've been having like 1 or 2 normal bowel movements a week if I'm lucky.  I'm not in too much pain really but I've been noticing some blood in my stool.  Today I coughed up some blood in my mucous too.  I've been having some mucous in my stool as well which is definitely not a good sign.       Since I last really updated this thing I've had a bunch of conspiracy theories about why my stomach acts up.  It could all be summed up to one general idea:  Not being healthy.  I was on an "I have candida" kick, which I still am kind of on.  Also thought I had diverticulitis, internal hemmorhoids, and colon cancer.  I convinced myself that I had every major bowel disease, and it kept me up a lot of nights.  Still it definitely kept me up some nights.
    After jumping from disease to disease for a few years, I eventually gave up and said: "Fuck it."  I wasn't helping anything by just reading about all of the shit I could have.  I went to a new doctor, got bloodwork and scopes done, and apparently everything at that point in time was fine.  I was just so crazy about being sick that I rarely ate; my shitty, fiber-less diet made going to the bathroom impossible.
   So now I'm back at square one.  But now, I'm going to try to not go after one thing in particular and just be healthy.  A lot of bowel diseases involve inflammation and infection in your bowels.  To focus on one issue alone kind of just goes after symptoms and I think the human body is a little more complicated then that.  Still, I bet if I followed what most sources suggest and didn't eat donuts for dinner I'd be feeling a lot better.




Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Hey heyy

Let me summarize the past 8 months for you in a few sentences:

Teeter-tottering conditions Crohn's wise. Rarely any pain (maybe 3 instances, which I consider a normal amount), but still a lack of consistency in stool. I had some really good weeks, and some that were on the shitty side of the spectrum. I'm a really inconsistent person with most things in my life, and disease is no exception. Somedays my stomach would tell me I needed a break and I wouldn't listen or would try to put it off a little. Eventually that caught up with me, and here I am now. Bed resting all week and on a juice fast.

Sunday (8/23/11) was the worst day I've seen for myself in two years, which was scary. Lots' of nausea and some crampin'. I decided that night I wouldn't let it get any further and I started a juice fast. My sister recently recommended a book by Paul Nison on naturally healing Crohn's. I've slightly followed the book past jams and it has worked well with me. I'm in the process of starting phase II of the healing program in the book, which consists of switching from juice to blended salad. It's got me doing some crazy shit though, for instance:

Say hello to my liittle friend.

(Blastofffff)

Very little indeed. 1 Oz of fluid capacity to be precise. Not nearly the length I need to slam my prostate, but long enough to give me a nice little colon wash! I started doing wheatgrass enemas today in order to help flush out and detox my colon. I figured hitting my G.I track from both ends in a DP effort would help aid the cleansing process. I also mixed in a little bit of the supplement L-Glutamine in powder form into my solution. I've taken glutamine pills before and they've helped me feel better, so in a natural thought process I thought "why not just shoot it up your asshole?" Glutamine is known to have a positive immune balance, and restore the lining of the colon. Wheatgrass is full of chlorophyll and has antioxidant and anti-inflammatory properties. I mixed up half a teaspoon of the powder with a teaspoon of wheat grass in about 5 Oz water (that's right, I penetrated 5 TIMES today).

I'm gonna do these enemas once a day to help aid my GI tract. If you call me in advance I'll even let you come over and squeeze all of the liquid into my bum.

I'm excited since I've only been on juice since Sunday night. Luckily I've been able to low lay this week and rest, so I haven't burned a lot of calories. As of today I only lost 5 pounds, from when I started fasting, so I'm now 142. For a 6 foot 21 year old guy, this is still a shitty weight. But I had fears I was gonna be 139 or lower. My ideal weight is 153-155. I've spent the past month bouncing around 148-151. Starting blended foods tomorrow should help me keep some weight on, I'm also gonna start taking this Whey Protein Nutrition Powder called Absorb Plus. In the past it has helped with putting some pounds on and mmm it's delish.

I have a good (should I say bad?) feeling that my illeum (end of my small intestine), is a little fucked with scar tissue. Hopefully this rest will let it ease up a little bit. I visited the ER at the hospital to get some antibiotics and steroids to help get me out of this jam. 500mg of Cipro, Flagyl, and 40mg of prednisone with a 10mg/3 day taper.

------------------------------------------------

Fast forward again, to today (8/30). I am actually feeling significantly better. I watched a documentary two nights ago called "Fat Sick, and Nearly Dead" where a man cured his autoimmune disease by drinking only juiced fruits and vegetables for 60 days. He had a disease where his body attacked itself by sprouting painful rashes and blisters on the outside of his body, slightly different than Crohn's, but still a disease that affected his immune system nonetheless. If you have Netflix I would recommend streaming this movie on your comp, it was pretty interesting. It really inspired me to one day not have to take any pills for this stupid fucking disease.

But for now, I need all the help I can get until I maintain some stability. I visited a doctor in Princeton with my sister yesterday, and he seemed alright. Still a doctor, but more tolerable than other GI doctors I have dealt with. He's running some tests on me to see where I'm at now: bloodwork, stool samples, and an MRI. We chose MRI because it exposes me to no radiation, and I've already had 4 or 5 Cat Scans by now which is a fucking stupid amount.

A lot of the reason this flare got so bad was because I stopped taking my meds a few months ago without fully adapting to a completely healthy lifestyle. So for now I'm back on my 6-mp (only 50mg), and taking some Pentasa everyday too. Pentasa is a pretty harmless drug so I was into taking it. I'm already feeling better today after only taking 6-mp for a few days, and that drug takes 6 weeks to kick in. I think the juices I'm making are really helping my symptoms get better. I got a Breville Fruit and Vegetable juicer at bed bath and beyond for only $135 w/a coupon. My main recipe consists of:

Bunch of Kale
4 Celery Stalks
Spinach
1 Cucumber
1 Green Apple
some Ginger Root
1/2 A Lemon

Sometimes I'll do more/less of some ingredients to mix it up but that's usually what I'm making. Juicing this much produce will yield me around 23-30 fl oz of juice. I try to do this 3 times a day and get roughly 75 fl oz of this juice in my body per day. A day's worth of produce for me is roughly around $12. I found local farmer's markets to have really good prices and good quality stuff. Mega markets like A&P have good prices but produce of lower quality that seems to be a little dirtier.

There's also a Co-Op in New Brunswick, but their prices are reallllly shitty. $11 dollars at a farmers market would be around $30 at that Co-Op. They do have a
cool selection of different supplements and foods, but I try not to shop there as much because I'm not trying to become a member and work 10 hours a month for a 7% discount. Plus, who wants to deal with self-righteous New Brunswick vegan snobs? I'd rather shop with the soccer moms.

Juicing is kind of a task in itself, but it gets easier over time, and it's really worth it. I've already noticed after drinking at least 2 a day (50 oz) that I have way more energy. I've been only getting 7 hours of sleep and feeling great and I've been really focused on getting shit done. One day I would really like to go on a 10-day juice fast to detox my body. Usually I give up by the third day because I have a terrible headache and nausea, but that is what is supposed to happen when you detox. I'm going to wait until my health is more stable, as well as my weight.

Right now I'm down to 140 Lbs, which isn't good. On the bright side I do feel healthy and recharged. I'm going to start drinking some plant-based protein powder today to keep some weight on. That was one of the cooler items I found at the New Brunswick Co-Op. My absorb plus shakes contain whey protein and those don't bother me at all so between those two forms of protein I should pack some pounds on. The only solid foods I've been eating are soft ones like avocados and bananas. Avocados have really healthy fats in them that are good for your tummy. Sprinkle a little lemon on them and they're delish.

Here's a nice little etymology mindfuck for ya:

The word 'avocado' comes from the Spanish aguacate which in turn comes from the Nahuatl word ahuácatl (testicle, a reference to the shape of the fruit).

So my food diet right now consists of avacados, nature's testicle; and bananas, the most phallic fruit under the sun. I'm chowin down on cock and balls.




So this is my path back to complete health, I'll try to make it as quick as I can. Lucky for this blog's-sake, I have something to talk about now.

PS-I quit giving myself those enemas about 3 days ago. I got high and tried to fill myself up with 12 oz. It felt like I was being ass raped by Satan himself.

If any of you Crohny's/UC dudes wanna get in touch with me you can email at JoeScalaDrums@yahoo.com. I've gotten in touch with some of you guys in the past, it's always cool to share stories. Don't be afraid to reach out mannn

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Nothing to do with Crohn's

video

More updates can't hurt though right?
----------

On a Crohn's related note though, my stomach feels good! I really don't know what the problem is/has been but right now things seem to be pretty normal. I think a lot of it actually is what I eat regarding protein and fiber. When I visited my doctor last week he was saying that stuff is really important, for obvious reasons. Not eating meat ever and trying to live off of packs of yogurt is not going to cut it. Also, I cut back on the pot smoking a little bit. I mean...I'm still doing it of course hahaha. Just not so much in excess, more focusing on being as productive as I can be and then enjoying it on some down time. Needless to say, my spirits have been up for the past few weeks. I had a few life revelations over the past three months and now everything seems to be gravy. Trying to be less of a cynical asshole has also made a huge difference.

We'll see where my tummy is at in a few days. I'm also curious to see those stool sample reports come in. I'll let y'all know.


Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving Flare

Liquid diet thanksgiving!!! Fucking awesome. Maybe I'll just throw the tofurkey in a blender and suck it down with a straw. Thanks Crohn's! :).

I'm honestly not in a bad mood right now. I'm almost certain I will be in a few hours once the hunger kicks in and everyone in my family insists that try the pasta or some shit, but we'll see! My stomach has been going back and forth from waves of good to shitty. The weeks before this I was feeling good, but I just can't seem to keep my stomach there. On the plus side, I know what I need to do to get better. It just so happens that it does not involve eating food today, just liquids, then maybe some jello and yogurt tomorrow. This is the best thing I can do for my bowels right now, they need some rest. They told me so last night with some sharp pains and some nice watery stool. Mmmm.

Also, when I'm flaring, playing drums will sometimes make me feel worse. Taking a break from playing helps me feel better, but also turns me into an angry, cynical asshole. Also, a pretty big hermit. One of the better way for me to get out of these flares is to lock myself in my room and drink a shit-ton of water. Unfortunately, this will be impossible to do today, or even the next few days being that I have to practice for a show I'm playing on Saturday, but I still think I'll be alright.

I've been working on my PMA recently and really trying to focus on getting better. I'm slowly learning things I have to do and I've been taking note of shitty habits I have that make me feel worse. If I can get out of this flare without hospitalization an upping of meds I am rewarding myself with a tattoo. We'll see!

I forgot to post this the other day, but this is a picture I took in the hospital a few weeks ago when I got my hydrocelectomy. The doctor signed my leg that was on the same side of the hydrocele. I thought this was hilarious, because it was pretty obvious to tell what side that shit was on, but better safe then sorry!



I've healed up pretty well since the ball procedure. Not completely yet, but definitely getting there. Over time I've developed a pretty adequate case of hypochondria, so I'm a little worried that this will be a recurring problem throughout my entire life. Only time will tell, but the procedure wasn't that bad so I'm not too worried.

I'm pretty sure by Christmas time I will be well on my way out of this Crohn's slump. All I can really do now is look forward.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Bada-Bing...

Bada-BOOM BABY! Halloween is always a fun time, especially in Manhattan. I visited my sister and her husband and got to walk through the city dressed as mutha fuckin' Tony the Chooch.


I just put up a new blog that I wrote some time in september and forgot to post titled "lug-nut". A lot of the stuff I am going to talk about right now won't make sense unless you read this post's prequel, "lug-nut". Or maybe it will? Idk...the Star Wars Saga always seemed in-cohesive and shitty to me.


Right now I'm lying in bed with bandages tied around my balls. I got my hydrocelectomy yesterday morning so I'm staying in for a few days. Surprisingly, I was not feeling too shitty after the procedure. My balls look fucking ridiculous though, super swollen. The doctor (and the internet) said that it will probably look worse than it did before for a few weeks until the swelling goes down. It's expected after a surgical nut-shank. I can't imagine being a urologist surgeon, you just cut through dick, balls, and vag all day like some kinda of genital butcher.

When I was in pre-op one of the female surgical assistants introduced herself to me and told me she would be in the room during the procedure. I said "oh you will?" and continued to raise my eyebrows at her for 10 seconds. She eventually laughed, and then I thought to myself how flaccid and
tiny my penis will look in a freezing surgery room. Whatever.

After the surgery I woke up wearing a makeshift jock strap-thong out of medical gauze and bandages. I can't take it off until tomorrow, so I'm just bumming around in PJs all day. The pain isn't that bad, I can walk around and only feel a little discomfort. The area will occasionally throb with some dull pain though. My doctor gave me vicodins to help, but I haven't taken any yet and don't really plan on it unless the pain gets much worse. I'll probably just sell them to some pill junkies, cause honestly what adult do you know that wouldn't say yes to prescribed painkillers? Hopefully some.

Speaking of drugs, I actually did get my volcano vaporizer recently. It's fucking awesome. If you don't believe me, you should come over and try it. I was on the fence about dropping that much money and getting it until I found a site that offered FREE-OVERNIGHT-SHIPPING. My logic was: "No way...I can be ripped TOMORROW? Buy NOW." I haven't really used it since my surgery, but I'm sure I could without any negative affect on the area...I'm just worried that I'll get paranoid and think the government planted a tracking device in my balls.

I've gotta say though, my favorite part of a hydrocelectomy hands down: FREE SHAVE JOB! So precise and so neat, these doctors really know how to mow the lawn.

Crohn's wise, I'm definitely feeling better then when I made that last frustrated post. I've been drinking a lot of those ensure drinks and trying to really watch what I eat. A few glasses of tea every day also help soothe the tummy for me.

I also recently started going for acupuncture, there's a guy who does it like two minutes from my house so it's extremely convenient and easy to do. I noticed that usually after a session my stomach will actually feel better, but if I eat a little too carelessly it will be set back again. I think if I really buckle down on my diet for a few weeks and continue going for acupuncture that I will be feeling much better, so that's the plan for now. As soon as my poofballs go down in size a little, I'm going to start going again. I should be back to my daily routine of school and work starting Monday. Unfortunately, I gotta stay off the drums for a little while...but hopefully I'll be back in action in a few weeks!

Stay shitty.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

fuck.

This on and off flare shit is killing me. I think the key with Crohn's is to just never be too confident with how you're actually doing, at least that's how I feel. Since I got home from tour in August it's kinda been back and forth. If I ever eat with too much confidence (or gluttony) I end up fucking myself and setting myself back for a few days. Especially with classes starting, it's hard to not just eat shit at school all the time. I've been trying to keep gum in my mouth to keep me from eating shit. I don't know what's up with my stomach but the smallest bullshit will cause a setback.
It looks like I'm gonna have to go back to that exclusive tea/yogurt/barley grass juice/jello diet for a few days. And then just eating some easy shit for a few days. Apparently a Cat Scan came back and told me that everything was fine in my stomach, but apparently something is not. There's some definite swelling but I'm sure it can go down with the right eating just like it has in the past. I'm determined to beat this shit whilst in the process of returning to school, work, music, that whole thing.
I also ran into some other problems too that are pretty ridiculous, I'll write about it faster than you can say "totem scrotum".

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

lug-nut

After abandoning this thing for essentially 4 or 5 months....where should I start? Luckily, for most of these past few months I've been feeling fine, with an occasional smoke fucking up my scar tissue and making me a paranoid-mess for a few days.
I remember a few months ago, probably like the beginning of May, I smoked a serious fattie. The next day I remember hearing my stomach making some seriously loud gurgles and feeling a shit-ton of pressure because it wouldn't push anything through. After spending a few days tweaking out and thinking I would have to check myself in to the hospital, symptoms slowly subsided and I felt a little bit better. The shitty thing about doing things like that is that the recovery time is so long and usually so boring. Lot's of diarrhea, starving myself, regretting my actions, being mopey.

I haven't smoked since then at all, but something else shitty that just happened recently was that my vaporizer broke and started burning its' contents. I noticed when my stomach got shittier and my smoke alarm went off. So I gave up on that and haven't been able to find the right one. I mean of course there is always one that comes to mind ....


Yes. The highly esteemed volcano vaporizer. Known to end more college-careers than a military draft. It's believed to be the most efficient vaporizer by tenfold. Unfortunately it costs like 550, and if you want a digital one it's fucking 650...and I haven't really been committed enough to the idea to actually buy one...maybe one day soon though. For now I have a batch of killer brownies that will fuck your day up in 3 bites. I plan to have these snacks lasting me well into october...maybe by then i'll feel better about dropping serious bills for one of those guys^.
Okay that's enough of that talk, there are bigger melons we must squash. Here's where my life has been at since I got home from tour (August 9th).

I was out on tour with tbotw for about two and a half weeks. As usual, tour was a fucking blast and great times were had yadda yadda. But I did have some hesitations about how my gut would hold up with the 2 and a half weeks living out of a van and mostly eating fast food. I was smart enough to watch what I eat for most of tour, I'd say about 35 percent of my diet consisted of bananas. Most gas stations will sell you a good banana for under a buck, and for a guy who is accustomed to bouts of black acid shit-water, bananas are a great way to slow down your digestion process and help make your stool more solid.
I'd say for the first 12 days of tour my stomach was in good condition, towards the last few days my shit starting to come out a little more narrowed which lets me know that there is some swelling going on. I was still going to the bathroom though, and just figured I could watch what I eat and be fine. Another thing I was doing was drinking a bunch of water every day, like a lot. That's obvious good advice for any person with Crohn's since it keeps shit moving. It still weirds me out how if sometimes I chug water I can count to 10 and I will already feel pressure and start passing gas. It's like one of those weird lightening/thunder cause and effect things. Science.

So despite the narrowing of my intestines, I was still feeling fine. Until the last day when I woke up in the middle of our drive home with an awful fever, throbbing headache, and some extreme nausea. The shitty part about this was that we were still about, 8 hours away from New Jersey. I'm still not sure if I caught an infection or if the fever was crohn's induced, or just a combination of the two. I do know that from all the wear and tear of driving around, I was fucking tired and therefore probably more susceptible to getting sick. Also, that same day I wolfed down two tuna rolls out of a supermarket kitchen, drowning them in a pool soy sauce and wasabi. That was probably one of my worse ideas I've had in a while. Live and learn, that was the day I swore off sushi for good. I'll stick with white rice and egg drop soup for now, even though I'm sure the white rice in mass amounts isn't great either.

This fever I had lasted about 4 weeks, but only really in my bowels. The headache's and nausea went away after a couple of days of rest at home, but I still had diarrhea for pretty much the rest of August. The weird part was if I sipped a lot of water I would have to go urgently, but only black diarrhea water, as if all of my waste was getting squeezed through a tight tunnel.
Whatever was happening to me, I was afraid and miserable. I didn't really talk to anyone for a few days, and just watched some Spongebob and iCarly to pass the time. I was trying to give my body all the rest it could use to help recover, but wasn't finding any luck. Eventually my apathy turned into anxiety and I really wanted to get better. I shoot my GI doctor an email and he asks that we go through with a cat scan. I was worried that my stomach would look like a mess on a Cat Scan test, but I agree and spend the next week breaking a sweat over this test.

I knew at times what I had going on was bad because for a while I would frequently burp up ANYTHING I swallowed. Whether it was tea burps or jello burps, whatever I was putting down was having a hard time getting broken up and through my intestines. I consult my regular doctor about it and he writes me a prescription for some antibiotics I already had lying around... and already considered taking to help fight off infection. As a last ditch effort to get better in some quick-fix scheme, I tried to fast on go on an all juice diet...Or come as close to one as I could. I did cheat both days and ate a piece of fruit and some jello, but I was trying to just give my bowels a break and have any swelling go down. A combination of this and some homeopathic stuff (arnica montana, and some graphites to help scar tissue), actually did help, but I couldn't tell because most of the days before my cat scan I wasn't eating much at all.

I've had a few Catscans before so they're pretty much a cakewalk, I mean look how quick I downed this bottle of Barium. I had to do that shit twice, nbd.

video


Taking the cat scan wasn't bad, they pump you with iodine and give you some radiation. The fun part about iodine is that it makes your grundle tickle, I'm not even joking.

After I take my test I call to schedule a doctor appointment with my regular doctor because I wanted him to check out this problem I noticed in the bath. Part of me thought I was just turning into a hypochondriac, but another part of me thought something was up with my right nut. I wasn't sure if I had a tumor or just one of these conditions I read about called a hydrocele, where the tissue on you actual nut bubbles up and fills with fluid. I figured visiting my doctor would be a good way to see what's going on with my stomach and get the scoop on my sack.

The next day I went to my doctor to check it out and hehad great news, my stomach looked fine on the Catscan. Even I knew that I hadn't been feeling 100 percent recently, this was a relief to me still. My doctor also told me that I do indeed have a hydrocele, possibly as a post surgery complication with the way my body healed or some shit. I think it's related to a hernia that I have but that no one seems to acknowledge or admit exists. Only time will tell mwaha.

Anyway, my doctor looks at me and is like "It's such a quick fix, with what you've been through it'll be a walk in the park". Thinking he was referring to some meds to knock out whatever fluid is building up in my testicle, I wait for him to write me up a prescription. Instead he tells me "I'm gonna bring you to this guy, he's great", and he hands me a phone number of another doctor.
Then he tags on : "Recovery time is quick, you'll be out of there in a few days".

"What? No...You mean....Ughhh fu-......shit."

That's right, surgery. On my fucking testicle.

This of course implies, cutting open my scrotum with a knife...then stitching it back up after like some Frankenstein nutsack.
I think this is honestly every man's nightmare besides for the few fucked up people you see on the internet. What I don't get is how the guy who spent his whole adolescent years emptying out his testes now faces this problem.

If you wanna see the glorious procedure click here. (If you ARE getting this procedure done I really wouldn't watch this, I definitely regret it). Now of course my scrotum isn't as big as that guys, some people just wait longer to get the procedure done. Some people live with hydroceles and tolerate them until they are fucking humongous. I kinda more of a guy that would prefer not to have his one nut 4 times bigger than the other one. Luckily we got to capture a picture of my balls:



Not to scale completely, but it's getting there! The shitty thing is that I called to schedule with the recommended urologist and he wasn't free until early october, so I scheduled with his associate, but his earliest date was 9/16. That means I have 9 more days AT LEAST, probably more like 12 since I'm only going for a consultation on the 16th. He needs to be like "yes, that nut is fucking way too big" before he can actually cut me open I guess. I may try and find another doctor off the internet and try and schedule this surgery sooner. I got places to be in october, my sister is getting married and shit, so the sooner we start this ballbloodbath the better.

I'm not as nervous for this procedure as I am aroused...I mean, the thought of having someone's hands inside my insides makes me feel like a excited 14 year old girl. Just kidding, I'm not really looking forward to getting my nut cut open, but I'm looking forward to not having to deal with this situation anymore. Luckily I'm in no pain, just a little discomfort, and a whole lot of getting creeped out. I feel like I'm carrying a dinosaur egg in my sack. Any moment it may just hatch.
Last night I showed my friends, the initial reaction was mostly in the vein of "holy shit". By now my right is probably 4 times bigger than my left, if not a little more. For the past few days, if you catch me from the right angle, I'd have a bulge in my pants. I had to give the heads up the my buddies a few time "yo...you see that bulge? yeah...that's not my dick."

I'll write updates as they happen...as for now I'm stuck with this mutant testicle, but I guess it beats having shitty Crohn's symptoms.



Monday, May 31, 2010

Colonoscopy tomorrow

Liquid diet all day today and laxatives...should make for an interesting memorial day BBQ. Going to the supermarket now to pick up a tub of ice cream to bring and eat. Hopefully I won't shit my pants, I'm pretty sure that's not proper bbq etiquette.

The gods of irony have decided to bust their chunky loads of misfortune all over my life. Turns out I could possibly have a hernia underneath where my ostomy used to be that could be affecting my stomach. I noticed that somehow my flare ups got worse after running recently. Also, I had a lot of gas and a lot of pressure would build up in my stomach. A lot of the time I would try and run to break up food for what I thought was a flare but in actuality was a clusterfuck of intestines inside my body that only became more fucked up from running.

I always thought this area was scar tissue because it would always harden up back when I used to smoke all the time, but eventually go back to normal after a few days. I did suspect a hernia at one point in time too, early back after my surgery. I'm pretty sure I wrote about it last year. My surgeon reassured me it wasn't though, and he still could have been right. Maybe I had a super tiny hernia and all of this hardcore exercising made it worse? Or maybe I have scar tissue AND a hernia?!?! Who knows?!? Tune in tomorrow and find out.

I'd like to think every grey cloud has it's little silver lining or something like that. That being said I hope I'm not grimy for looking forward to getting knocked the-fuck-out from some anesthesia tomorrow morning.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

r.i.pizza


Dear pizza, this is hard to say trust me...but I think we've reached a point in our relationship where I must say goodbye, at least for a little while. As much as I fucking love you, every time I put you inside me you tear me up on the inside. I'm tired of having to sit on the toilet spewing your cheese out of me. You are always so soft and it always makes me so hard.

I'm not sure if it's gay if it's with a pizza is it? I think it's just really fucking weird hahaha.

For real though I'm not going eat pizza for a while, at least until I get out of this flare up. It's pretty shitty. I'm on the toilet right now spewing out some chunked battery acid, with some red chunks in it...not really sure if that's tomato sauce or blood! Either way it does not look appetizing. Something else I've noticed is that all of the shit comes out in tiny pieces and nothing really big. I probably can't squeeze that many big pieces through my tubes.

It's actually been on and off...some days have been better than others. I really have to avoid every kind of shitty food/dairy. This includes pizza, and any soda or anything. I'm still not eating meat so it's hard to kinda eat food that won't be ruffage or gassy veggies...but I've been getting by with some plain pasta and healthy yogurts, and the occasional banana. I think I just decided I'm not eating pizza until my birthday...we'll see how long that lasts.

Since the flare up has begun my bowel movements have become more frequent and of less volume. Which most likely means my intestines are all swollen and they can't squeeze as much through at a time. My original reaction was very very angry. But eventually I turned my anger into attentiveness to what my body was doing with certain foods.

Whilst in the flare-age the most important thing is to watch your grindage (thanks Pauly Shore for that rhyme). When I see certain foods, I like to imagine what they would look like going through my shitty rotted raw-flesh looking intestines. This usually helps in the determining whether or not I will eat it. I'm getting accustomed to some white rice daily, that hasn't seemed to bother me that much...but then again there's probably at least 300 different websites telling you that carbs are the enemy for victims of Crohn's. I ain't no fuckin scientist, but if a food doesn't make have to shit my pants, I would prefer to eat it.

A lot of Crohn's symptoms can in fact be derived from stress, according to a lot of things I've read. But for a 19 year old semi-daily-stoner I'd like to think I'm really not that stressed out. I am really busy some days during most of the week though, between working, school, and music related things it's hard to kinda balance everything. I've also started yogging for at least once every day. We usually do anywhere from like one to four miles a day, which is pretty killer on all of us since we're fucking out of shape hahaha. But thinking about it I have been feeling better and more energized recently. Running still does help break up some gas too which is always a good thing.

Yesterday morning I ran out of my 6MP medication. Me and my doctor planned it like this so that by the time it was up I would have already seen him for my colonoscopy and he would've filled another prescription. The thing is...I haven't called him to schedule the colonoscopy, which he was trying to do mid-april. He can only do mondays because that's when the anesthesiologist is there..."i don't think you'd want to another day instead!" what a jokester.

There's two reasons I really haven't called my doctor to reschedule. One reason is I have a 12:30-2:00 pm English class on Mondays and I already missed a bunch of classes and handed in a bunch of shit late so I'm trying to get on my teachers good side before the semester ends. I try to milk the whole "inflammatory bowel disease" thing to get out of some absences, and she actually sympathizes with me and it works! Yay for catching a break!


The other reason I haven't wanted to schedule my colonoscopy was that I wasn't really trying to go whilst in a flare-up, because he's going to see it and probably not be too excited about it. Obviously I am not either but I just want to see if I can get out of this by myself. So far I've been feeling better so I should be okay. My farts stopped smelling as deathly rancid as they do when I was in the peak of this flare. I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow early and tell him I was planning on scheduling when school ended because I need to try and stay on top of my grades.

I fucking hate talking about college and plans with adults. Especially when I have no ambitions to really go to a four year school and get some crazy degree right now in my life. After I get my associate's I'll see where I'm at, but right now school is kinda slowing down everything else in my life I'd rather be doing. I already regret signing up for summer classes but I think I'll be able to hang, it should be a little easier then school work now.

Still really the hardest thing with Crohn's is to never ever ever cheat when you're in a flare up. It's like you're fucking tip-toeing on that topsy turvy thing from mario party. Any one thing could fuck you up and potentially set you back a little bit, so it's very frustrating. The key is to never really allow yourself to cheat, I've been getting better at the whole self discipline thing, but it's still pretty difficult. I can make the usual excuses for myself, but at the end of the day no matter what I try to blame it on, it's still me sitting on the toilet dumping buckets of shit.



Monday, December 7, 2009

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Shit Stick Smear


So I told my doctor there was recently some redness in my stool, which I'm pretty sure was just vegetables because I've been eating a good amount of red ones. But better safe than being one with bloody feces, that's where the Henry Schein One Step Slide Test for Fecal Occult Blood comes in! Great quality and reliable product, the packaging consists of these three things.

1. Directions
2. A swiping card
3. 3 wooden sticks.

If you can't figure out how it works, all you really do is shit on a piece of toilet paper in your toilet bowl, get a shit-stick sample, and then just wipe it on the card in one of the three specified ovals. Should be fun, I'll post the results if there are any...and by that I mean the doctor's results, not just pictures of my shit smeared on an index card hahaha.

I've opted to NOT take my swine flu shot just because of this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=URHhyP4lmQ4&feature=related. Well I mean more for other reasons but this video is really sad and def did not help convince me I needed another flu shot. Although I have a "weakaned" immune system, I don't even really think I do my doctors said my medicine doesn't really affect my white blood cells too much.

Besides that I've just been chillin' and feeling pretty healthy, the occasional cramp every now and then but it's not really that serious, and diarrhea is pretty on and off so whatever. Still getting my monthly bloodwork, whatever it takes like ten seconds and sometimes a cute blonde takes it from me and I talk to her about things. I've even had the occasional sip (or two) of alcohol with really no side-effects besides turning into a belligerent fuck.

I still never put that video up, I will get to it soon and do it for real! Maybe I will start editing it now, I just have SO much footage. You'll see haha.

Happy Thanksgiving btw! Tofurkey!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Hollow Weiner



I was an aerobics instructor, which is a little ironic because I was having a pretty hard time starting to exercise hahaha. I've gotten a little better at it now though, once you get into the swing of things it just becomes routine.

I had stomach cramps a few weeks ago but it was pretty much due to my seatbelt breaking after I bottomed out and somehow made the tension on it way too tight. It already went away even though fucking Honda lied to me and said they would call me tuesday once they got the part in. It is now Sunday and they still haven't fucking called me.

The first thing you think when you shit your pants is never really "Oh man I really have to go get my camera now and take a picture this looks sick". I used to have that mindset when I was in the hospital all the time and had the camera right next to my bed, but now that I'm out, I had to make a judgement call if waddling to my bedroom with my shitty underwear around my ankles was worth it. Unfortunately I made the better call and just took care of the situation, even though I looked at it after and saw like egg chunks in my underwear it was sick.

This "first instinct" rule also applies to when you go to wipe your ass and check to see what shade of brown your shit is that day, and you see a completely undigested blueberry on the toilet paper from the blueberry bagel you ate earlier that day. You don't really think "OH MAN PHOTO OP" you're kinda just like "aw man, thats fucking sick". It didn't really taste like a blueberry the second time around either, idk it still def looked like one though.

Kinda reminds me of when I used to eat clams with my ostomy bag and then I would just spew out chewed shit-soaked-soggy clams from my stoma. I def wish I could have filmed that when it happened, which was whenever I ate clams haha. Sometimes I would have to like kinda pull them out with toilet paper it was gross. I also remember eating buffalo wings and them giving me spewing volcano stream poop squirts, that was also pretty sick.

I shaved my beard, which automatically makes everything I say/do less creepy and more young and innocent, look :

Marley thinks he's a fucking cat just in case you never met him.

I have a very attractive sexy-appealing video in the works I'll try and post it by the end of this week!