butt burn

Yesterday was the worst day in regards to butt burn.  I'm lucky enough to have a shower right next to my toilet, sometimes after I poop I'll just jump right in and spread my shit like a cop was about to do a cavity search or something haha.  I'm not sure why I thought it was a good idea to eat a veg burrito from Chipotle yesterday, resulted in bad bad diarrhea.  After we went to Chipotle me and my cousins went to Barnes and Noble, (where I blew up the toilet), then Rite-Aid where I got some new tools.  Meet my new friends:

Some Indian lady that worked at Rite-Aid was grillin me when she saw me carrying all these things.  I took notice and yelled across an aisle or two to my cousins "Yo guys, do you know where the other stuff for my hemorrhoids is?"  No shame.

After I ate the burrito from Chipotle I had like two episodes of diarrhea then I felt constipated for like 14 hours which was really scary because I've been pooping really frequently.  Fortunately when I woke up I went and it was actually really solid which is cool because my butt got a break.

But, after those two diarrhea episodes I decided I should maybe try to shave my butt a little.  Besides the occasional finger from your mom, there was really no activity going on down there when I had the bag besides the bi/tri-weekly poop, so I really had no reason to be maintaining the gardening.  I hope I'm not the only guy who would regularly shave the innards of his ass.  Wow this blog is really going downhill.

I had no razors in my new bathroom besides this fucking awful one from the hospital...I still decided to go for it:

Probably not the best kind of razor to use on such an irritated area, but I had to get the job done, it was like impossible to apply any ointment with all of that mess going on.  Seriously though, I felt like Teddy Roosevelt hackin' his way through the jungle across the Panama Canal or some shit.  Only instead of the Panama Canal it was my gooch!  

So most of the early part of today (Friday) I was a little uncomfortable from the poop pressure/constipation, so even after I pooped I decided to not really eat until dinner time.  This kinda just made me feel weak and shitty all day but I was really afraid I was gonna have a problem if I ate anything.  Eventually I had a veggie burger, they rule.  This is a meal I made for breakfast the other day yum:

Veggie burger, organic eggs & toast, tofu cheese, and some organic ketchup.  Idk why I have all this hippie food in my fridge, my mom supplied me with all of it!  But it really tastes fine so I will probably keep eating it even once I feel good enough to go shopping for my own food.  I also just ate a boca-meatless chicken patty a few hours ago and it was DELISH.

This is going to be a great weekend.  Fucking Spongbob marathon all weekend, even at night.  Like it's on right now I'm probably going to watch it after I finish writing this!  10 new episodes on sun too!  Party for my BIRTHDAY in a few hours.  

I think Buster knew it was my birthday because a little bit after midnight me and Marley were on the couch and he decided to do this and help create the funniest picture ever (no homo): 

Next week they are taking out my staples!  I'm gonna try to video-tape it, I found a bunch of videos of people getting them taken out on youtube so I think they'll let me hopefully.  It's not supposed to hurt really which rules, just tug a little.  They feel okay no, they're still a little irritated by the waistband but it's not so bad, I'll only have them for a few more days anyway.