Saturday, April 10, 2010

Dear pizza, this is hard to say trust me...but I think we've reached a point in our relationship where I must say goodbye, at least for a little while. As much as I fucking love you, every time I put you inside me you tear me up on the inside. I'm tired of having to sit on the toilet spewing your cheese out of me. You are always so soft and it always makes me so hard.

I'm not sure if it's gay if it's with a pizza is it? I think it's just really fucking weird hahaha.

For real though I'm not going eat pizza for a while, at least until I get out of this flare up. It's pretty shitty. I'm on the toilet right now spewing out some chunked battery acid, with some red chunks in it...not really sure if that's tomato sauce or blood! Either way it does not look appetizing. Something else I've noticed is that all of the shit comes out in tiny pieces and nothing really big. I probably can't squeeze that many big pieces through my tubes.

It's actually been on and off...some days have been better than others. I really have to avoid every kind of shitty food/dairy. This includes pizza, and any soda or anything. I'm still not eating meat so it's hard to kinda eat food that won't be ruffage or gassy veggies...but I've been getting by with some plain pasta and healthy yogurts, and the occasional banana. I think I just decided I'm not eating pizza until my birthday...we'll see how long that lasts.

Since the flare up has begun my bowel movements have become more frequent and of less volume. Which most likely means my intestines are all swollen and they can't squeeze as much through at a time. My original reaction was very very angry. But eventually I turned my anger into attentiveness to what my body was doing with certain foods.

Whilst in the flare-age the most important thing is to watch your grindage (thanks Pauly Shore for that rhyme). When I see certain foods, I like to imagine what they would look like going through my shitty rotted raw-flesh looking intestines. This usually helps in the determining whether or not I will eat it. I'm getting accustomed to some white rice daily, that hasn't seemed to bother me that much...but then again there's probably at least 300 different websites telling you that carbs are the enemy for victims of Crohn's. I ain't no fuckin scientist, but if a food doesn't make have to shit my pants, I would prefer to eat it.

A lot of Crohn's symptoms can in fact be derived from stress, according to a lot of things I've read. But for a 19 year old semi-daily-stoner I'd like to think I'm really not that stressed out. I am really busy some days during most of the week though, between working, school, and music related things it's hard to kinda balance everything. I've also started yogging for at least once every day. We usually do anywhere from like one to four miles a day, which is pretty killer on all of us since we're fucking out of shape hahaha. But thinking about it I have been feeling better and more energized recently. Running still does help break up some gas too which is always a good thing.

Yesterday morning I ran out of my 6MP medication. Me and my doctor planned it like this so that by the time it was up I would have already seen him for my colonoscopy and he would've filled another prescription. The thing is...I haven't called him to schedule the colonoscopy, which he was trying to do mid-april. He can only do mondays because that's when the anesthesiologist is there..."i don't think you'd want to another day instead!" what a jokester.

There's two reasons I really haven't called my doctor to reschedule. One reason is I have a 12:30-2:00 pm English class on Mondays and I already missed a bunch of classes and handed in a bunch of shit late so I'm trying to get on my teachers good side before the semester ends. I try to milk the whole "inflammatory bowel disease" thing to get out of some absences, and she actually sympathizes with me and it works! Yay for catching a break!

The other reason I haven't wanted to schedule my colonoscopy was that I wasn't really trying to go whilst in a flare-up, because he's going to see it and probably not be too excited about it. Obviously I am not either but I just want to see if I can get out of this by myself. So far I've been feeling better so I should be okay. My farts stopped smelling as deathly rancid as they do when I was in the peak of this flare. I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow early and tell him I was planning on scheduling when school ended because I need to try and stay on top of my grades.

I fucking hate talking about college and plans with adults. Especially when I have no ambitions to really go to a four year school and get some crazy degree right now in my life. After I get my associate's I'll see where I'm at, but right now school is kinda slowing down everything else in my life I'd rather be doing. I already regret signing up for summer classes but I think I'll be able to hang, it should be a little easier then school work now.

Still really the hardest thing with Crohn's is to never ever ever cheat when you're in a flare up. It's like you're fucking tip-toeing on that topsy turvy thing from mario party. Any one thing could fuck you up and potentially set you back a little bit, so it's very frustrating. The key is to never really allow yourself to cheat, I've been getting better at the whole self discipline thing, but it's still pretty difficult. I can make the usual excuses for myself, but at the end of the day no matter what I try to blame it on, it's still me sitting on the toilet dumping buckets of shit.

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