Friday, October 24, 2014

Perianal Abscess Pt.2


For the past 3 days I've been chewing up garlic and rubbing it on/around my asshole.  This is what happens when you are afraid of doctors and use google and natural remedy websites to try and fix your issues.  That being said, I think the garlic is helping this ball of puss go away.

If you don't know what an abscess is, it's essential a boil (in my case, a large one).  It fills up with puss because of an infection.  Your body sends white blood cells to the site of infection and they don't know what the fuck they're doing and the next thing you know you have a red lump the size and hardness of a golf ball in between your butt cheeks.

It basically feels like a smurf is living in my underpants and has decided to grab a large chunk of flesh, twist it up, and hang from it all day long.  It hurts when I cough, sneeze, go to sit down, stand up, or tighten my kegel muscle to stop peeing.  It has been hard to have a regular bowel movement since last February, but it is especially hard now.  I've felt this abscess before in the past few months but it usually subsided in a day or two, this time it is much more intense.

This has happened to me once before, before I was even diagnosed with Crohn's I had a perianal abscess.  It was my first experience in the world of horrible butt stuff.  I wrote about it a very long time ago, but it is available on this blog right here.

These things usually get larger and larger as time passes.  The only things doctors can do to really make them go away is to lance them.  Lance is a medical term for shank.  They bend you over a table and stab it and drain the puss, and then you remember what hell would be like if it exists.  I made the mistake of searching perianal abscess on youtube, I didn't watch all of the video but I sent it to a friend.  He replied with 3 messages:


If you'd like to see what all the hype is about, click right here.

This is what I'm looking at in a couple of weeks if I don't figure out how to fix this by myself.  I'm not too afraid of getting the procedure done.  Pain is only temporary, afterall.  I'm just trying to avoid it because getting an abscess drained is going to put me out of commission for at least 10 days.  Don't really have time for that right now in the midst of student teaching.  That being said, I'm sure I can get a doctor's and go on an excused 10 day bloody-ass vacation, but I would much rather take care of this myself.

So here I am, writhing in pain as garlic burns my gooch and a hard red ball of sensitive skin between my cheek.

This pain isn't as bad as the abscess can be on its own at times.  In the past 3 days I've probably punched an inanimate object and yelled about 14 times just from the pain being so intense.  It usually is only that bad for a second, when it throbs.  I'm not sure if it throbs because it's filling up more or getting smaller, but I'd like to think the latter.

A friend let me have some of his antibiotics a doctor gave to him for a tooth abscess.  They're used to treat any kind of abscess so I'm giving it a shot.  I've been taking them for only a day so I'm hoping in 4 days that it will start to clear up a little more, especially in conjunction with the natural antibiotics I've been taking.

On top of garlic (which is antifungal and fights infection), I've been using oregano oil and clove oil.  All of these things, burn like a MOTHERFUCKER when applied to your skin topically.  The garlic you have to chew a little first then just shove between your cheeks.  There is some between right now!

I've also been making strong  juices, which have always helped my bowel movements.  My one "penance juice" is a lot of garlic, ginger, beet, apple cider vinegar, and a pear.  I call it a penance juice because I'll usually make it after I eat terrible for 3 days to try and clean my slate a little bit.

I did this to myself for sure.  I started eating pizzas and drinking soda and whiskey in the past few months.  Not like before that I was doing great, but it was certainly better than this.  At least I could walk around and not be afraid to sneeze because it would hurt so much.

I'm not sure if the "diy" approach is the best way to deal with your health but it seems to be the route I always choose to take.  I think I lost my faith in most doctors in 2010, and every visit with them since has reassured me that they have no idea what they're doing when it comes to this disease.

If your Western Medicine's best solution to a disease is "let's turn your immune system off", then I don't want much to do with it.

My immune system is still obviously fucked because I have an infection in my butthole.  It's probably all the self-medicating I do with other immune system suppressants (hehe).  Also, my diet has been terrible the past 3 months.  My restaurant of choice has been "7-Eleven".  I eat on the go in my car, it's a mess.  This is mostly out of laziness.  Yeah I've been busy, but it only take 20 minutes to prepare a meal, which is worth the health in the long run.

You start to realize something is wrong with your diet when 80% of the food you eat is already wrapped up and has been sitting on a shelf somewhere for days.  But realizing something is wrong is usually not the hard part for me.  The hard part is usually taking action and making a change about it.

Our society breeds people who want instant gratification.  We live in the fast lane, but we're running on preservatives and growth hormones.  I really hope that I don't have to get this thing lanced and can manage it for the rest of my life.

I basically wrote this to help escape my body a little bit.  Typing fast is a good distraction from the burning cloves of garlic that are clenched between my cheeks.  I wouldn't keep doing this is I thought it didn't work.

My biggest fear is that this thing is going to burst when I go sit down to play drums.  So far it's only been mild discomfort.  I'm tracking for 6 hours tomorrow so hopefully I'll be able to make it through without it effecting my playing.

On the bright side, my bedroom smells like garlic now!  Ladies if your pussy hole wasn't already wet enough from reading this, it's sure to be sopping when you smell my room.

Monday, September 22, 2014

Fun Facts!

Did you know that some nights I sleep on the couch with the TV on because I'm afraid of waking up in my bed with an obstructed bowel.  For some reason I feel safer on a couch.

Did you know that I've been lying to my family for 2 years when I was telling them I've been healthy?

Did you know that I shit my pants twice last year?  Both on campus.

Did you know I've been mostly shitting brown water 3 times a day since February of this year?  A solid bowel movement is a rare thing.

Did you know I spent the summer eating pizza, mcdonalds, and drinking soda and now I feel sick again?

My argument to eating whatever I wanted was "YOLO".  But on second thought if you only live once, then you shouldn't spend your entire life shitting your brains out.

Monday, April 14, 2014

B12 Deficiency via Empty Ball Sack

if you're easily offended/repulsed stop reading because this shit is going to get mildly weird and sexual.

    I wish I had the science to back up any of this idea or else there's not much weight to it.  But as a well-experienced hypochondriac I can say that not enough research has been done on this idea because I have done many-a-google searches at random hours of the night to try and crack the code of what is fucking wrong with my body.  Here's a little expose to get you acclimated to my story:

1.  Kid stays inside for a good amount of his childhood.
            Don't get me wrong I did go outside too, but usually just to eat buffalo chicken pizza.  Especially from 13-17, a lot of my time was spent sitting in the basement writing music/jerking off.  Not exposed to sunlight (Vitamin D deficiency, linked to immune system, which is linked to pretty much all disease).

2.  The B-12 Link
 (Idiot disclaimer:  Any medial statement that begins with 'dude' and ends with 'shit' should be taken with a grain of salt)
      This more clicked in my head the one day when I was at a house party.  My friend Brian was talking to me about banging some chick:
   "Yeah dude, I took a bunch of vitamin b-12 to make my dick hard.  Shit worked.    
                UC and Crohn's are both linked to a B-12 deficiency, and I've been getting weak boners for a while.  Sometimes it was just from beating my dick 3 times a day but more recently it's just been all the time.  This is sort of disappointing because I thought staying mostly alcohol-free would keep my dick in tip-top performance shape.  But it is definitely over-exerted.  Vitamin B-12 has a direct relation with you small intestine, and a lack of B-12 can result in constipation (which is something I've been suffering recently).  Zinc also has a link to testosterone and digestion.  Oysters make you horny.
     There were a couple of times where I took some 5 hour sex energy (somewhere around 500% b12 in liquid form) and I weirdly noticed I was having better bowel movements.  You can easily say I'm making stuff up, or just chalk this up as a weird coincidence; but you come to realize a lot of the intricacies of your body when your neglect brings you to a point of almost irreversible health.  Doctors said I was 24 hours away from being super infected with sepsis, and if I made it out of that alive chances are I would be on dialysis for the rest of my life.  The infection was coming from a perforated bowel causing my body filling up with my own shit.
That's right, I was becoming full of shit.  Do you still believe what I'm telling you?

   So as a former chronic masturbator (who am I kidding), and a current day pervert, I wonder if me busting a nut too much is causing some of my tummy problems?  I know B12 and Iron are stressed a lot for IBD.  I did go to get an iron infusion once and the nurses had to stop halfway through because I was breaking it in hives and my throat was getting itchy.  Also I remember my face turning red, getting a headache, and becoming really nauseous.
    These days I just resort to juicing beets for my iron intake, but I've been slacking as of late.  It's hard to stick to a plan on the days where you still feel like shit.  I posted a tasty recipe for a green juice in a blog I wrote 3 years ago.  Here's a more current idea of something I drink on the days where I feel like death.

I'm naming it Maximum Piss and Vinegar, after one of my favorite songs.

1 beet, peeled
4 stalks of celery or 1 cucumber
5-7 Cloves of Garlic (the worst)
MUCHO ginger
3Tbsp apple Cider Vinegar


So the strange thing is, I legitmately feel BETTER after I drink that shitty drink.  My breath will literally stink up an entire van with garlic, but I will legitimately feel better.  Usually I have a very hard time passing gas (small squeaks, never relieves much of the bloating I deal with).  Whenever I have this drink I am able to unleash stink bombs with much more ease which is always relieving.

I have this weird mucuous issue where I'm constantly coughing it up.  It could be chalked up to a lot of things.  I'll get into that in a different post just so this isn't super complicated.  But I still am curious if draining the goose too often overall has a negative impact on my physical and mental health.

*Of course I'm not saying this is how everyone's body chemistry works.  Shit, I'm not even saying this is definitely how MY body chemistry works.  These are just ideas I've sat on for a while and wanted to get out somewhere.  I will still say that science in a lot of ways can be bullshit in the sense of definition.  Everything may be comprised of atoms, what if there is some unrecognizable matter that we can't comprehend?  Don't get me wrong, science has done great things.  But sometimes you need to take a step back to keep moving forward.  Whenever the industry stops treating symptoms and addressing the causes of disease I will feel much better. Big picture,v big picture.

 So my real question is, is there any kind of link between sexual health and vitamin B-12?  Am I just batshit crazy and is it really just paranoia that's making my stomach eat itself inside out?  IS the paranoia caused by a B-12 deficiency?  The questions don't stop.  There's not a lot of negative research on cumming too much besides that it will leave you in a cloudy-minded daze for most of the day.  Can this lack of focus be due to low testosterone levels?  Is that why people who aren't productive called "jerk-offs"?  (entry 1, #3).

Or maybe it's just staying up til 4AM writing conspiracy theories about my own health that's making me feel like shit.


Monday, March 3, 2014


One cool thing about having Crohn's disease in college is that the "free pizza" incentive used to get students to volunteer at dumb events never works on me!  Supervise a fundraiser, and spew battery-acid out of my asshole for three days?  No thank you.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

My shit this week has mostly looked like this

     Bloody angel hair pasta.  The blood in this picture is an over exaggeration, but I could always go for some tasty-imagery.   If I ate this whole plate right now I would probably shit a pint of brown water three times a day for two weeks.
    I had a three week fling with pizza and alcohol in 2014.  It was mostly a bad idea and I'm realizing that now.  It's easy to tune out the common sense thing when you get a nice looking pizza staring you in the face.  Anyway, I think I have diverticulitis...more importantly I think I have a pressing case of hypochondria.  It's so easy to google your symptoms and think you've got everything figured it out.  I've resolved to the fact that I know what's wrong but I just don't choose to fix it, cause it's so gosh damn hard to!
    I'm a pretty shitty adult, so if I don't remember to go grocery shopping I'll most likely eat twix bars and cookies for breakfast out of a vending machine at school.  I do eat healthy too sometimes, but few and far in between.  And even the days that I do juice or eat well I'm always sure to get a nice snackeroo in there too.
    At this point it would be too optimistic to write here: "I'm gonna turn this all around!"  I've had the same shitty habits for most of my life and while I can turn them around for certain points of my life I'll still fall back into them whenever I'm stressed.  #emotional_eating.
    Snacks don't last more than 3 days in my cabinet.  I'm a Certified Junk Food Junkie.  It doesn't help that the medicine I take is a brownie haha.  My doctor didn't prescribe it but my girl Betty Crocker hooked me up.  Really on the weeks that I was eating right I felt much better than I do right now.  I haven't really been trying too hard as I've been on the go most of the time.  It's a pretty bad excuse since health should come first, but I mean my symptoms are mostly still manageable.  Going to the bathroom a few times a day and feeling like you can't shit isn't as severe as where I was this time 5 years ago.
    On the upside, I just ordered some of this stuff:

     I've developed some pretty weirds habits in the past two years.  One of them has been keeping ginger tea in my back pocket and carrying around with a refillable mug.  Crazy enough it was actually helping me out a lot, especially on the days I would have 4 or 5 mugs (recommended limit is 3 times but I was born to break rulez).  THIS STUFF ^ is some crazy tea I found on tour last winter.  I've never seen it in NJ, but it was only like three bucks.  I have no idea where I found it originally but I just ordered a few boxes online.  Lemon ginger and probiotics did my body good.   That tour was a trip that I considered not doing a week before because I hadn't been feeling too great.  This brand of tea, and bringer my trusty juicer on tour really helped me out.  
     So at this rate I've been having like 1 or 2 normal bowel movements a week if I'm lucky.  I'm not in too much pain really but I've been noticing some blood in my stool.  Today I coughed up some blood in my mucous too.  I've been having some mucous in my stool as well which is definitely not a good sign.       Since I last really updated this thing I've had a bunch of conspiracy theories about why my stomach acts up.  It could all be summed up to one general idea:  Not being healthy.  I was on an "I have candida" kick, which I still am kind of on.  Also thought I had diverticulitis, internal hemmorhoids, and colon cancer.  I convinced myself that I had every major bowel disease, and it kept me up a lot of nights.  Still it definitely kept me up some nights.
    After jumping from disease to disease for a few years, I eventually gave up and said: "Fuck it."  I wasn't helping anything by just reading about all of the shit I could have.  I went to a new doctor, got bloodwork and scopes done, and apparently everything at that point in time was fine.  I was just so crazy about being sick that I rarely ate; my shitty, fiber-less diet made going to the bathroom impossible.
   So now I'm back at square one.  But now, I'm going to try to not go after one thing in particular and just be healthy.  A lot of bowel diseases involve inflammation and infection in your bowels.  To focus on one issue alone kind of just goes after symptoms and I think the human body is a little more complicated then that.  Still, I bet if I followed what most sources suggest and didn't eat donuts for dinner I'd be feeling a lot better.