Friday, April 17, 2009

the kicker.


Okay, so I've talked about my Crohn's and how it has affected my life and the pain in my stomach, the mental exhaustion, and the pain in my butt. What else is there to talk about? Oh, my balls.

So a few days before I was admitted to the hospital for surgery, I noticed a strong pressured pain that seemed to be in my pelvic area and felt a lot of weird pressure in my privates area. I just brushed it off as pain from pooping being really strong. The day I was admitted to the hospital, I still kept feeling this pain so I told the doctor and we did an ultrasound on my privates. One handful of warm jelly and five awkard minutes with a cute latino lady later, she concluded that I was fine and there seemed to be no problem.

Eventually the pain subsided until a few weeks later. To be more precise, probably a few days after being released from the hospital.

Okay so, I wasn't miserable at this point in time, but with such serious wound and still getting used to having a poop bag on you, there is not much you can enjoy. So I did what any 18 year old boy confined to many weeks of bed rest would do. You would think that the huge vag looking wound and the sack of shit would interfere or make it harder. But thanks to the internet, anything is possible! Anyway I n
oticed an aching pain in my testes afterwards, but of course me being stubborn, I kinda brushed it off. I figured I was just really backed up and it would go away for days.

Of course, it didn't go away. Every time actually the pain grew worse, it was like an strong aching that lasted like a minute long. I also noticed something was up when (don't puke) the volume of my ejaculate seemed to be less, and came out in a more narrow stream. Now I knew something was up, so I did what any guy should do, I checked for lumps on my balls. I didn't find any really, but I noticed the tube on top of my nut, my epidymus, was tender. Me being the internet savy boy that I
am (see: above), I typed my symptoms into google. I learned that I could possibly have epididymitis, which is pretty much the term for "clinical blue balls".

Obvy, when someone's in a lot of pain, they're not gonna think about pumpin out tadpoles. Unless you're into that (see: first blog). I must have not done it for at least three weeks by the time I got ou
t of the hospital, and my friends can vouch for me that that is a personal best (sorry mom). So from being so backed up my epididymus got an infection and became swollen. Here's a picture of what that looks like:

And heres a picture of what that feels like:

So obviously I wasn't really a happy camper. I went to the doctor's and he in fact concluded that I had epidymitis. So from not getting enough action I ran into a problem. Sorry man, it's hard to mack it when you got a sack fulla shit (rhyme noted). Jeez, so what do priests do then? Oh yeah, they probably jerk off.

So to treat it, he told me to:

a) Wear briefs or tighter boxes so my balls don't hang and strain
b) Drink this NASTY antibiotic thing twice a day. I could've taken a pill but my doctor figured liquid would better absorb in my half-stomach.
c) Soak my balls in warm water twice a day.

Okay so by now my life is getting more and more ridic every day, so I just lol a lot, and do what he says. So now imagine a kid with a shitbag and vag wound, soaking his balls in a tubberware bowl filled with water. Laying in his bed on a laptop. Fortunately, I am an attention whore and I told all my friends immediately and we laughed about it. I offered them various amounts of money to drink my nut water, I think one said he would for seventy-five bucks. Sometimes I wouldn't empty the water after I was done and I would just put it on the table and go to sleep. The next day my mom would walk in and be like "what is that awful smell??!". Oh sry mom, that's just my dirty nut water.

So about a week goes by and the pain has lessened a lot. I actually didn't always soak my nuts twice a day, it was so awk trying to do that and lay down at the same time, so I kinda stopped doing it. But the doctor did say my testicles hang nicely (sup ladiez) and would be easier to soak. But it was still awkward and time consuming. Plus it led to a lot of itching and chafing that took like two more weeks to recover from haha.

So another chapter in my fucked up medical history is complete. Something else to put under my belt.


Here's what's going on with me now:

I'm going to get bloodwork once a week since I'm now taking 6MP and that lowers your white blood cells. I've been feeling fine from it, besides getting a pretty sick sinus infection. But that only lasted a few days and I'm on antibiotics now to treat that.

So I go to my doctor's today to what I though was to schedule my reveral surgery in May. Turns out that I'm actually not getting this thing reversed till August. Obviously I was a little upset, but I have grown to really be fine with this thing. I think I really just got bummed because I was telling myself I should be haha. But part of me was a little, just because I had believed for the past two months that this thing was gonna be gone by Summer. After driving home with my hand held down on the car horn for about twenty seconds I felt a lot better, and I'm over it now. Usually the time for a temp ileostomy is in fact 2-3 months, but the doctor said I was so fucked that he doesn't even wanna go near it till August. Whatever at least I don't have to cancel any shows or anything now.

I gained more weight, I think I'm at like 148 now. Fast food three days a week will do that, esp when you get like 3 burgers and shit. This thing was so bloated after a trip to checkers, we had to make a pit stop to empty it. The bag company fucked up again (fuck you convatec) and totally sent the wrong bags, so I had a clip bag with no gas filter. It felt like a pretty heavy brick on my body, and it even started leaking by the clip from all the pressure in the bag. In defense of my doctor, today I tried tucking my bag in my pants and it wasn't really that bad, until I ate food then it was a little more difficult, but only because my pants are too small for me.

Sorry for lack of updates! I am lazy.

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